I am just an average person, I have never won any awards for anything, my grades are completely average, I am not good at sports, nor do I have any refined talents that can physically contribute to society, and be recognized as a superb addition to the world. I don't have killer good looks, a flat stomach or rippling muscles, I am as average as they come, my friends.
What I DO have that is superior to what most people have is a happy, thriving and amazing relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years now, and we have never been in a really big fight, we have never needed to have a "break", having "time apart" sucks for us, we miss each other terribly, and we have a ton of fun when we are together. 6 years, and every day is just fantastic.
So I feel pretty qualified to give some advice to those of you out there who are struggling in a relationship, and can never seem to make it "work". This advice isn't really meant for people who are looking for people, but maybe you'll find something useful here that will help, and after all, that's what this post is all about, and hopefully I can ruffle some feathers a long the way. Speaking of which, my first point will probably do just that...
1. Sex isn't important
Sorry, it just isn't.
Let me explain. You can have all the nasty, fun, dirty sex you want, and don't get me wrong, it IS fun. And I am certainly not saying it has no place in a romantic relationship, because it does. However, that should not be the main goal here, or even a sub goal, or a...sub-sub-goal.
Look, if all you want is a fuck buddy, then go for it, this isn't a guide for getting laid. If that's what you want, you're in the wrong place.
The problem with sex having a ton of importance in a relationship, is that it quickly becomes the "go to" activity when you are with your partner, and that's just not how it should be. Sure have fun sex on a regular basis, but if after you do it, you just kinda sit there with each other, or even worse, just go on about your business and ignore each other, there is something terribly wrong. You should be able to have fun with your partner with out being naked, and if your main goal is sex, then that's all you have....sex. And nothing else. And that my friend, is a relationship that's doomed to fail. Because you can't have a good relationship if you can't....
2. Be Good Friends With Your Partner
This is probably the most important point in this guide, and probably the most important piece of advice you will ever be given about relationships, it is extremely important.
YOU NEED TO HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON! and no, it cannot be fucking. An interest, a hobby, a passion, anything like that will do, just as long as you guys can do something together that you both love, and will both have a good time participating in.
I've seen many relationships were the people really do genuinely like each other, and they get along...eh, pretty well. But if you guys have nothing in common, then there is only so much sitting there watching general TV and talking that you guys can do. Sure, talking with your partner is always a good thing, no matter what stage you are in, but eventually if you guys don't have a common interest to share, you are going to run out of things to say, and start boring each other.
I'm not saying that you both need to love everything that each other likes, that would be annoying. But just something that you can do together, for example, me and my girlfriend play WoW together, we sometimes play Magic: The Gathering, we've played video games together, nothing hardcore, but still, it's fun to play anything together and have a laugh and some good times. Other options including going for walks, working out, exercising , shopping and many more, just make sure you both enjoy it.
Look, if you guys don't really like each other, it's just not going to work. If you're only together because you're a man and she's a woman, and you didn't totally hate each other, you are doomed. That relationship is just not going to work. The most important part of a romantic relationship is that you LIKE each other, not just "love". You have to enjoy each others company, even if you aren't doing anything at all. and most importantly, you HAVE to be able to poke fun at each other. And for god's sake, those of you out there who can't take a joke, please...just grow the fuck up, it's a harsh world out there, you are going to get your feelings hurt. Stop being a baby.
So how do you know when you and your partner are best friends? You'll know. That's all I can say, you'll feel it. When you guys can act like dumb asses, and dance around in your underwear to the theme song of Doctor Who, and the proceed to laugh your asses off at how stupid you are, that's when it'll hit you "Wow...I can spend the rest of my life with this person, because we are best friends".
Granted, you can look for eternity and you will never ever find someone who likes everything you do. But that's when you need to try and...
3. Take and interest
For instance, I mentioned Doctor Who in the above paragraphs, that seems like a good place to start. I love Doctor Who. In fact, it is my favourite show, and I have seen every episode of the 2005 reboot. I can't get enough of it.
My girlfriend, hates it. She can't stand the cheesy jokes, the lame humor and the "corny story line", as she puts it. But she knows all about it. Do you know why? Because some idiot won't shut up about it, blabbering his head off incoherently whenever a new episode comes out. She recognizes the TARDIS when she sees it, she would know the 3 latest Doctors if she saw them, and she knows what a sonic screw driver is.
Plot twist: that blabbering idiot, is me...and she listens to every word spewed from my mouth. Weather or not she likes it (and she doesn't), doesn't matter. She still has the respect to listen to what I have to say, and actually pay attention. Is she every going to sit down and watch it with me? No. And that's okay, because at least she takes an interest and my interest, and doesn't just shrug me off like some annoying 5 year old desperately trying to get some attention.
Another example is the post I did on Majora's Mask. She could tell you every bit of information in that post, and more, because I won't shut up about it. She's heard about that game so many times, and actually listened. Even though she has never played it, and probably never will, she knows about the game, because she took an interest in what I had to say.
And guys out there, this goes both ways. Meaning you need to take an interest in what she has to say. Ask her how her day went, and for god's sake. PAY. ATTENTION. It's not that hard. Ask questions. Show that you're listening. If you're fabulous, like myself, you can talk about fashion, and things like that. Even if you're not into that stuff, you'd be surprised how much it means to somebody if you actually take an interest in them... It goes a long way.
4. Realize Stupid Things Don't Matter
Any couple has disagreements and arguments, it's bound to happen. Rude things will be said, and tempers will be flared up. What's important is that you do not carry that around with you for longer then the actual argument exists. If you're still mad after the argument has ended, there are 5 very important words that you need think about.
Who. Cares....Let it go.
What does it matter if you disagree on politics, religion, or in my case; who cares if she thinks Spider-Man 3 was the best spider-man movie....Even though she's a big wrong stupid-head. Odds are, what you are arguing about does not fucking matter in the slightest to anyone anywhere, including you. You are not the same person, you are going to have things that you just do not agree on, and that's okay, as long as afterwards you realize that it honestly won't make a difference in you're life that she thinks microwave popcorn is just as good as theater popcorn.
Now obviously, there are certain disagreements that DO matter, and they very well could lead to the end of a relationship, and those are the arguments that will make or break your relationship. If you're relationship can be put to the rocks, and truly tested, and still survive, you know you've got a keeper.
"Stupid things" also involves things outside of arguments, like little habits. As annoying as it might that he doesn't put the toilet seat down, or that she turns up the heat because "It's cold" in august and its fucking 15 degrees (Celsius) outside, It honestly does not matter. Learn to let "pet peeves" go, it's pointless to get upset over stupid little shit that people are doing completely unintentionally and are completely innocent of trying to "get your goat", let that shit go. Seriously. It's annoying.
JUST DON'T LEAVE YOUR FUCKING BAG ON THE TABLE. THAT'S A DEATH SENTENCE...take it from me.
Before I end this segment, I just want to say, ladies, there is a different between an "fight" and a fight. If he EVER hits you, under any circumstance, and its NOT an accident, and he's NOT defending himself, and it is a REAL hit, leave him. He is human trash, not worthy of the energy it takes to spit in his fucking shithead face. Do not give him a "second chance", once he hits you, it's over. Have some respect for yourself, and your real loved ones. There is someone out there who will treat you like the beautiful soul you are, and they don't need a "second chance".
And for my final point (for this post)...
5. Make Time.
I know, sometimes life is going to get busy. And I mean really busy. Like, you don't have time to eat, or shower busy. But it is important that you put at least one hour aside every single day to spend with your partner. It doesn't matter what you do; watching TV/Movie, play a game, go for a walk, or just talk over tea or coffee (or in my case, coffee and kool-aide...seriously, try a grown up drink sweety... :P), just put aside that time and invest it into the person you're supposed to love. Even if it's just talking about how much stress your under, you'd be surprised how much having an ear to listen can help.
This is coming from someone who just got out of his third semester in college, and boy was I busy these last two weeks. But you know what? I still took some time every day to lie down with my girlfriend and watch some anime. (SIDE NOTE: you have to be able to spot the difference between when she says she wants to watch tv, and when she says she want to "watch some TV", if the word "some" is in there, and its past 7:00, she wants to go to sleep. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP.), it's really important that you put the time in, because it's really easy to accidentally ignore each other on a day you're really busy and swamped with life stuff. And then it's easy to do it again the next day, and the next day, and the one after that.
Just don't do it at all, it's good to spend time with your lover, and you should be excited to do so, see point 2. Just do it. You'll have a good time if you've been following the steps up until now. Promise.
Well that does it for this post, I have a bunch more "helpful" tips for starting and growing relationships, so I will probably create a part 2 some time in the future.
But until then, this guide is just another strand of the web, Stick in there, world! Happy Holidays, push your lover into a snowbank for me!
1. Sex isn't important
Sorry, it just isn't.
Let me explain. You can have all the nasty, fun, dirty sex you want, and don't get me wrong, it IS fun. And I am certainly not saying it has no place in a romantic relationship, because it does. However, that should not be the main goal here, or even a sub goal, or a...sub-sub-goal.
Look, if all you want is a fuck buddy, then go for it, this isn't a guide for getting laid. If that's what you want, you're in the wrong place.
The problem with sex having a ton of importance in a relationship, is that it quickly becomes the "go to" activity when you are with your partner, and that's just not how it should be. Sure have fun sex on a regular basis, but if after you do it, you just kinda sit there with each other, or even worse, just go on about your business and ignore each other, there is something terribly wrong. You should be able to have fun with your partner with out being naked, and if your main goal is sex, then that's all you have....sex. And nothing else. And that my friend, is a relationship that's doomed to fail. Because you can't have a good relationship if you can't....
2. Be Good Friends With Your Partner
This is probably the most important point in this guide, and probably the most important piece of advice you will ever be given about relationships, it is extremely important.
YOU NEED TO HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON! and no, it cannot be fucking. An interest, a hobby, a passion, anything like that will do, just as long as you guys can do something together that you both love, and will both have a good time participating in.
I've seen many relationships were the people really do genuinely like each other, and they get along...eh, pretty well. But if you guys have nothing in common, then there is only so much sitting there watching general TV and talking that you guys can do. Sure, talking with your partner is always a good thing, no matter what stage you are in, but eventually if you guys don't have a common interest to share, you are going to run out of things to say, and start boring each other.
I'm not saying that you both need to love everything that each other likes, that would be annoying. But just something that you can do together, for example, me and my girlfriend play WoW together, we sometimes play Magic: The Gathering, we've played video games together, nothing hardcore, but still, it's fun to play anything together and have a laugh and some good times. Other options including going for walks, working out, exercising , shopping and many more, just make sure you both enjoy it.
Look, if you guys don't really like each other, it's just not going to work. If you're only together because you're a man and she's a woman, and you didn't totally hate each other, you are doomed. That relationship is just not going to work. The most important part of a romantic relationship is that you LIKE each other, not just "love". You have to enjoy each others company, even if you aren't doing anything at all. and most importantly, you HAVE to be able to poke fun at each other. And for god's sake, those of you out there who can't take a joke, please...just grow the fuck up, it's a harsh world out there, you are going to get your feelings hurt. Stop being a baby.
So how do you know when you and your partner are best friends? You'll know. That's all I can say, you'll feel it. When you guys can act like dumb asses, and dance around in your underwear to the theme song of Doctor Who, and the proceed to laugh your asses off at how stupid you are, that's when it'll hit you "Wow...I can spend the rest of my life with this person, because we are best friends".
Granted, you can look for eternity and you will never ever find someone who likes everything you do. But that's when you need to try and...
3. Take and interest
For instance, I mentioned Doctor Who in the above paragraphs, that seems like a good place to start. I love Doctor Who. In fact, it is my favourite show, and I have seen every episode of the 2005 reboot. I can't get enough of it.
My girlfriend, hates it. She can't stand the cheesy jokes, the lame humor and the "corny story line", as she puts it. But she knows all about it. Do you know why? Because some idiot won't shut up about it, blabbering his head off incoherently whenever a new episode comes out. She recognizes the TARDIS when she sees it, she would know the 3 latest Doctors if she saw them, and she knows what a sonic screw driver is.
Plot twist: that blabbering idiot, is me...and she listens to every word spewed from my mouth. Weather or not she likes it (and she doesn't), doesn't matter. She still has the respect to listen to what I have to say, and actually pay attention. Is she every going to sit down and watch it with me? No. And that's okay, because at least she takes an interest and my interest, and doesn't just shrug me off like some annoying 5 year old desperately trying to get some attention.
Another example is the post I did on Majora's Mask. She could tell you every bit of information in that post, and more, because I won't shut up about it. She's heard about that game so many times, and actually listened. Even though she has never played it, and probably never will, she knows about the game, because she took an interest in what I had to say.
And guys out there, this goes both ways. Meaning you need to take an interest in what she has to say. Ask her how her day went, and for god's sake. PAY. ATTENTION. It's not that hard. Ask questions. Show that you're listening. If you're fabulous, like myself, you can talk about fashion, and things like that. Even if you're not into that stuff, you'd be surprised how much it means to somebody if you actually take an interest in them... It goes a long way.
4. Realize Stupid Things Don't Matter
Any couple has disagreements and arguments, it's bound to happen. Rude things will be said, and tempers will be flared up. What's important is that you do not carry that around with you for longer then the actual argument exists. If you're still mad after the argument has ended, there are 5 very important words that you need think about.
Who. Cares....Let it go.
What does it matter if you disagree on politics, religion, or in my case; who cares if she thinks Spider-Man 3 was the best spider-man movie....Even though she's a big wrong stupid-head. Odds are, what you are arguing about does not fucking matter in the slightest to anyone anywhere, including you. You are not the same person, you are going to have things that you just do not agree on, and that's okay, as long as afterwards you realize that it honestly won't make a difference in you're life that she thinks microwave popcorn is just as good as theater popcorn.
Now obviously, there are certain disagreements that DO matter, and they very well could lead to the end of a relationship, and those are the arguments that will make or break your relationship. If you're relationship can be put to the rocks, and truly tested, and still survive, you know you've got a keeper.
"Stupid things" also involves things outside of arguments, like little habits. As annoying as it might that he doesn't put the toilet seat down, or that she turns up the heat because "It's cold" in august and its fucking 15 degrees (Celsius) outside, It honestly does not matter. Learn to let "pet peeves" go, it's pointless to get upset over stupid little shit that people are doing completely unintentionally and are completely innocent of trying to "get your goat", let that shit go. Seriously. It's annoying.
JUST DON'T LEAVE YOUR FUCKING BAG ON THE TABLE. THAT'S A DEATH SENTENCE...take it from me.
Before I end this segment, I just want to say, ladies, there is a different between an "fight" and a fight. If he EVER hits you, under any circumstance, and its NOT an accident, and he's NOT defending himself, and it is a REAL hit, leave him. He is human trash, not worthy of the energy it takes to spit in his fucking shithead face. Do not give him a "second chance", once he hits you, it's over. Have some respect for yourself, and your real loved ones. There is someone out there who will treat you like the beautiful soul you are, and they don't need a "second chance".
And for my final point (for this post)...
5. Make Time.
I know, sometimes life is going to get busy. And I mean really busy. Like, you don't have time to eat, or shower busy. But it is important that you put at least one hour aside every single day to spend with your partner. It doesn't matter what you do; watching TV/Movie, play a game, go for a walk, or just talk over tea or coffee (or in my case, coffee and kool-aide...seriously, try a grown up drink sweety... :P), just put aside that time and invest it into the person you're supposed to love. Even if it's just talking about how much stress your under, you'd be surprised how much having an ear to listen can help.
This is coming from someone who just got out of his third semester in college, and boy was I busy these last two weeks. But you know what? I still took some time every day to lie down with my girlfriend and watch some anime. (SIDE NOTE: you have to be able to spot the difference between when she says she wants to watch tv, and when she says she want to "watch some TV", if the word "some" is in there, and its past 7:00, she wants to go to sleep. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP.), it's really important that you put the time in, because it's really easy to accidentally ignore each other on a day you're really busy and swamped with life stuff. And then it's easy to do it again the next day, and the next day, and the one after that.
Just don't do it at all, it's good to spend time with your lover, and you should be excited to do so, see point 2. Just do it. You'll have a good time if you've been following the steps up until now. Promise.
Well that does it for this post, I have a bunch more "helpful" tips for starting and growing relationships, so I will probably create a part 2 some time in the future.
But until then, this guide is just another strand of the web, Stick in there, world! Happy Holidays, push your lover into a snowbank for me!